Take practice anyway

All twist poses seem to be easier when the body is slim. All twist poses are more challenging with relative short arms. Who cares. Take practice anyway.

I haven't looked at this blog in over 6 months but I've thought about it often. The quote that lines my title banner has been meandering through my brain as of late and at odd hours of the day I hear my spirit say, "take practice anyway!"

If possible, I am now shorter, or at least curvier than I ever have been outside of being pregnant and this excess curviness makes everything more challenging.

Who cares. Take practice anyway.

I've spent the past 6 months eating out of colored containers and pushing through burpees and hip drops -- all of which have given me several proud-of-myself-moments. But I stopped, and when I stop the progress stops.

Who cares. Take practice anyway.

I moved from 30 minute workouts to a pilates/yoga based program and something in my soul stirred.
That stirring unearthed photos and memories from 2012 and 2013 -- a time when I practiced regularly. I was still short, I was still curvy -- I didn't care, I took practice anyway and I was the happiest and strongest I can ever remember physically, mentally and emotionally.

Several weeks ago I rolled out my mat and took practice

• Opening chant
• Surya Namaskara
• Closing chant
• Savasana

It was short, but it was practice and it was good.

This week I made it to my mat 3 times.
Surya Namaskara through Parshvottanasana the chants sooth my restless mind and my sweet dog joins me for Savasana.
It feels good to be back on my mat.

So much is happening in our lives right now. Our youngest children head off to college in less than a month, I've accepted a new job with more responsibilities in a new city, my husband is willing to uproot himself for the adventure awaiting us...so we get to pack, we get to purge, we get to move. We get to send our children off with a hug and a promise of an answered phone or late night text session. We get to explore new neighborhoods and decorate a new space....and I get to practice. Practice everything I've been preparing for as I take the step from mom of children to mom of adults -- from assistant to director -- from co-parent to dating wife :)

Practice.
Practice.
Practice.
All is coming.

...all is coming

When I (re)started my Ashtanga journey in February 2012, every day I set my mat in front of a little sign that read "Practice, Practice Practice. All is Coming." As a beginner to Mysore, I believed the "all" was the ability to complete the Asanas in the Primary Series and beyond...all = all asanas.

In the beginning, my struggle with Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana taught me the benefits of being stuck... but I moved on in the series.

For a year now, I've been working on Marichyasana C...yes, for a year.
I haven't moved on in the series.

Nothing is coming.

Ah no... ALL is coming.
I've redefined all.
Today, "all" appeared on my mat, right under my toes, in my fingers, across my lats...it was all there.
All is coming, like the ability to move through asanas I previously thought were impossible.
All is coming, when did the pain in my wrists go away?
All is coming, hey, I can move from Chaturanga Dandasana to Urdhva Mukha Svanasana with my legs off the ground...repeatedly!
All is coming, mmmm, that's a deep, full bend in Padangushtasana
All is coming, not only do I know where my lats are and what they do...but  I can feel them move as I am intentional about how to use them in a posture.
All is coming, HOLY CRAP I lifted my body up off the ground in Uth Pluthi!
All is coming...so eventually the Primary series will come, or it won't.
All is all...what all have you missed in your search for All?

Breakdown, Go Ahead...Give it to me

Alternate title: Reminders of Recovery.

It's hard to believe it has been 4 years since I confidently stepped onto the road to recovery. Confidently? Well, I was scared - paralyzed with fear most days - but yes, confident because I knew I was ready to see my journey through to it's completion no matter how uncomfortable it was.

In 2009 I was clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder, 307.50 according to the DSM-IV, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Who knew the actual diagnosis would feed (no pun intended) the belongingess issues that encouraged the disorder to begin with; I mean I didn't even belong in a labeled diagnosis.

For years, decades, I didn't allow myself to feel; feelings were scary and overwhelming and best left buried. Even "good" feelings were too much for me, sometimes even moreso than "bad" feelings. It took some searching but I finally found a fantastic therapist. Together we named my disorder, both clinically and personally, and after a year and a half of individual and group therapy I felt confident referring to myself as recovered.

The two biggest happenings that grew out of my therapy were my ability to evict Joan from my life, and my willingness to allow my feelings to flow without fear.

In my practice, I'm still working on Marichyasana C. I'm not at all bothered (anymore) to be working on the same posture for months, it's given me the opportunity to give love and attention to the 62 asanas/vinyasas that lead up to it. Once I let go of the need to "conquer the posture," things started opening up for me nicely.

This week I'm back in the Shala after taking a month away due to my conference schedule; it was so nice to be back in a familiar place with faces that lit up when we made eye contact. My first day back was a bit more hurried than I would've liked so I took practice through Marichyasana A, closed with finishing postures then scooted off to work. Two days later I was back with plenty of time to spare and took the time to move through all 5 repetitions of Marichy C. I took the first two on my own and Krista said she'd be around to assist for number 3.

Twisting my body around the first time, I focused on keeping length in my spine and released all worry over clasping my fingers together, I breathed deeply into the stretch and it felt gooood; the second side was just as refreshing.

Vinyasa. Second set, first side... as I unwind I feel it, I don't quite know what "it" is exactly but it's there, it's a feeling and for a moment a flash across my eyes warned it could be scary.

Vinyasa, Second set, DEEP inhale, second side...I know it's going to be there, I don't know what it is, but I know (for whatever reason) I'm safe; I unwind and there it is again, a bit of an internal oozing. I've had a similar experience in this posture before and it left me aggravated for the rest of the day, like I'd unlocked something that was pissed off.

Vinyasa, Third set... I see Krista standing next to me from the corner of my eye and motion to her to get a little closer, as she leaned in I somehow mustered up just enough breath to say, "I'm not sure what it is, but somethingfeeling is creeping out each time I unwind" and I pointed to the area around my 2nd Chakra. (Funny, the mission statement for this Chakra is "I Feel.")

We moved through the 3rd set and I completed 4 and 5 on my own. I had to stop and let stuff leak out of my eyes for a while in between, but I wasn't afraid to finish.

A choir of angels is singing in my head at this moment because this truly was a breakthrough moment. I knew, in advance, that I was unlocking a feeling. I even had a premonition that it might be scary, but I kept going. The old me most definitely would NOT have kept going, heck the old me would never have become a Shala member to begin with.

Vinyasa
I worked my way through closing series, breathed in my closing mantra and prepared for savasana.  I laid down to close my eyes and the yogi practicing next to me tapped me on the arm and said "You're not alone." We've never met before, he and I, but those 3 words reaffirmed I am safe, and I belong.

I didn't resort to old soothing behaviors, I didn't even think of them. I forged through a feeling even as I knew it was happening and would most definitely make me cry, in PUBLIC.

I spent the rest of my day documenting other ways I know I've healed those old wounds and developed healthy coping strategies.

A breakdown can be a breakthrough...it's all in what you call it.

Practice on Moon Day?

Traditionally, ashtanga practitioners should not practice on moon days.

Today is a moon day, and I just finished my practice.
I wrestled with whether or not to get on my mat for most of the day.

My body has been asking for practice.
These past few weeks have had their share of events and my attention was most definitely needed elsewhere so I climbed onto my mat and snuck away to the shala whenever I could, but that wasn't as often as my body is used to. As I parked my car and walked into my empty house this afternoon my inner-self was literally crying for the calming effect of my breath and the fluidity of the asanas.

My dogs, all THREE of them, found a corner of the room from which to quietly watch and didn't make a sound the entire time I was on the mat. As I rested in Savasana each of them, one at a time, stooped in close to nuzzle my hands and face and took rest with me.

A nice peace settled in as I rolled up my mat.
There are at least 37 (hundred) things I could've done with the time I spent taking practice today, some are things I reserve specifically for a moon day, but none would have been as restorative or as encouraging as allowing myself to take my practice.

The core of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra is an eight-limbed path that forms the structural framework for yoga practice. Upon practicing all eight limbs of the path it becomes self-evident that no one element is elevated over another in a hierarchical order. Each is part of a holistic focus which eventually brings completeness to the individual as they find their connectivity to the divine. Because we are all uniquely individual a person can emphasize one branch and then move on to another as they round out their understanding. (source)

Like Asana and Pranayama, the Yamas and Niyamas are limbs of this framework. These can be looked at as universal morality and personal observances. While my decision to take practice on a moon day could be seen as a breaking of a "rule" or tradition, my experience resonates more with the idea of Tapas - the 3rd Niyama or rule prescribed for personal observance.

Tapas – Disciplined use of our energy 
Tapas refers to the activity of keeping the body fit or to confront and handle the inner urges without outer show. Literally it means to heat the body and, by so doing, to cleanse it. Behind the notion of tapas lies the idea we can direct our energy to enthusiastically engage life and achieve our ultimate goal of creating union with the Divine. Tapas helps us burn up all the desires that stand in our way of this goal.

My body, feeling disconnected from it's soulful self, directed a disciplined use of energy to remind me that in the midst of all my responsibilities and roles, staying true and connected to myself is an important responsibility and the most important role as well.

DaDaDadaDadaDaDa AGRO

If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape one hundred days of sorrow. ~Chinese Proverb

I've never seen Madagascar 3, but the silly AfroCircus song is in my head with one slight modification....
AGRO!
As in aggravated!

Today I am most definitely on edge, annoyed, aggravated, irritable, bothered, buggered, rankled, disturbed, perturbed and awnry.

I think my psoas is storing sordid sour suggestions that are being squeezed out during my practice.
I particularly notice said squeezing during the Marichyasanas; my body feels as though I'm releasing such disgusting emotional stuff that I'm actually queasy afterwards. It starts a bit earlier with the Janu series, when the psoas gets a good wringing out, that just paves the way for anger, fear and nausea once I make it through my second side of Mari B. Today I stuck with Mari C for 7 repetitions and got an adjustment on my last round. Krista picked me up and made me feel light and tall in my upper body, making it easier to twist around my spine. It also made it easier for that uck to climb right up into my heart. I unwound and literally felt dizzy and thought I might be sick. I could SENSE the sour ooze seeping out.

And seep it did
I slimed a neighbor in traffic
I mentally slimed someone at the office
I even slimed myself

I recognized all of this, as it was happening, and for that I am thankful.
For a moment I wanted it to go away, and then I remembered that is exactly what is happening, in a refiner's fire sort of way. I've turned up the heat and the uglies are bubbling to the top.
THIS is why things I haven't thought of in months or even years are sitting right behind my eyes!
Thankfully, they're on their way out
For now I'll just picture myself a clown-wig-wearing zebra and sit with my AgroCircus, my aching hips, and breathe.

I lost count...

One, Two, Three Surya Namaskara, ah ah ah!

Opening Mantra
Settling Breath
Surya Namaskara A 5x
Surya Namaskara B 3x or was that 4?
In the end, 3 won because if it WAS 4, I wasn't paying attention so it didn't count anyway.


This mini-debate over counts reminded me of this post from my recovery blog. While looking for the post, I skimmed over several months worth of writing, there's some good stuff there and BOY, am I a long way from where I was then.  At that point in time, I was so fed up with counting I never wanted to do it again. Come to think of it, I was struggling with present moment awareness then as I ducked and dodged Joan at every turn so it's not a stretch to understand why counting (aka being present) was such a bother for me.

I'm not sure how long the counting dialogue took place in my head. Long enough for me to picture Count von Count and come to the conclusion that one more Surya Namaskara wasn't going to hurt anyway so I may have done 6 but I was only aware of 5 and in the end it brought me back to my practice and kept me focused which is the point, isn't it?

Oil-bath day

Several times over the past week, in several different scenarios with different people from different walks of life (getting the point here?)...the practice of oil-baths came up. The final mention was with my chiropractor who is still helping me calm down my sciatic nerve (which, by the way, is doing swimmingly and I only took one day off from practice because of it).

So I've read blogs
I've watched videos
I've spoken with a teacher at my shala
and today is oil-bath day.

I took care to purchase organic, odorless castor oil, added a few drops of my favorite essential oil, pulled out a mat and some towels to donate to the process and gave myself alone time while the hub and the mini me are working on a school project.

I started by warming my oil in a sink full of warm water as I spread my mat out in the bathroom and got ready. With intention on the crown of my head, I poured the warm oil onto my scalp then massaged it all over my head. It was a bit thicker than I expected so next time I may warm the oil longer.
My timer was set for 5 minutes and as I waited with the oil on my head, I took a body brush to my body giving extra time to areas where I am sore. The timer sang and it was time to apply the oil to the rest of my body. I had a bit of trouble reaching all parts of my back but within just a few minutes I was covered and my timer was set for an additional 10 minutes. By this time, I felt my scalp begin to get warmer and I noticed some warmth in my body as well. I rested in savasana on my mat and simply focused on my breath.

Once again the timer sang and it was time for my shower. I set the water as hot as I could and proceeded to rinse, giving an extra massage to my shoulders and my right hip. I followed up with a citrus castille soap which did the job of washing the oil from my body and hair quite nicely.

I'm now resting in comfortable clothes and all but melting into the couch.
My fears of oily residue were quelled and whether it was the oil bath, or the time spent in the hot shower that has me feeling so relaxed really doesn't matter...it is a ritual I can see adding to my week with no problem and actually one I will indeed look forward to.

Om Shanti.

One track mind

Several months ago I wandered into the Shala while there was a weekend lecture in progress. While browsing the boutique offerings, I overheard Krista speak on the importance of commiting to one practice.
One style, one place. I didn't hover long as I wasn't a paid participant in the lecture, and I'm paraphrasing here but the basic premise I took away that day says practice one style, so you can allow the style to work on/for you and practice in one place because your teachers know you, what you can and cannot do, what you can do that you think you cannot, and how to help you move forward in your practice and when.

I'm not quite sure how I felt about that idea as I drove away but flash forward 6 months and I find myself in that exact spot, one style, one place. This is the first week of my practice where I am no longer teaching and by default only practicing in one place.

I'm not sure what to expect...but I thought it good to make a note so I could track any observations.

Interesting, while proofreading my post, I noticed several variations of the phrase "I'm not sure," to which my brain immediately answered, "do your practice, all is coming"
:)

Yoga is like Sex

In my late 20's I worked as an educational interpreter in a public High School. I provided Sign Language services for 2 students during their freshman year.
Algebra, Creative Writing, World History, Intro to Computers, P.E., Reading and Biology.
I have many vivid memories of that year. It was the year of the Columbine shooting so people, emotions and events are etched into my brain. I'll never forget the role of mitochondrion thanks to 4th period Biology lessons on the parts of a cell and this catchy little earrworm.

Intro to Computers was my favorite class, not because of the subject matter but because of the teacher and the way he presented the material. His stature and presence reminded me of a late 1960's Burl Ives and he taught these kids, and me, far more than how to type.

The first 3 weeks for these kids was excruciating! Imagine sitting each day at a desk in front of a monitor and keyboard and NOT being able to touch it. First they learned about the machine, then they learned about the processes they would be mastering during the year. They spent time on theory and did some quizzes (with pencil and paper). There wasn't a whole lot to interpret during these first few weeks, mostly busy work for the kids so the teacher and I got to know each other. He and his wife were in the process of purchasing a new SUV, a shiny new Lincoln Navigator with all the bells and whistles. Everything I know about buying a car I learned from this man and I've been told...I'm quite a shrewd car shopper. This guy knows his stuff....he knew what he was doing making his kids wait to use those computers too!

The day finally came.
Oh the joy and exclamations that rose from the class when they got to push the power button!
"See how excited you are?  Sometimes it's good to wait...remember that" he said with a wink.
"Everything worth having or doing is worth waiting for, everything."

A few chuckles, embarassed eyes and whispers later and they were all focused on the task at hand utterly ecstatic to be typing  a s d f j k l ;

My week on the mat has been like the keys on a Qwerty keyboard. Each day I've been working to move past Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana and each day I've gotten a bit further.
Yesterday I was able to bind both sides with assistance from my teacher, this morning I reached the fullest expression of the pose on my right side without help but my left side toes are just past the reach of my left hand.
In Ashtanga, when you are learning the series in the Mysore method, you work on a posture by repeating it 4 or 5 times.

This is ONE vinyasa

Stop and take that in for a second... after Surya Namaskar A and B, the basic sequence, the primary series standing postures and moving into the seated postures (all with a vinyasa sprinkled in between to keep you warm) you work on the current pose 4 or 5 times. Let me expand on that notion...once you get to the seated postures you do a vinyasa between each side of each pose. That's a whollotta chaturanga!

So back to this morning's practice. Since I cannot yet bind on both sides and take the fullest expression of the.pose.affectionately.called.stuck ...I did it 5 times.
The right side came relatively easily and put a grin in the corners of my eyes. Three times and 6 vinyasas later...and I touched my left big toe with my left finger for the very first time! I SWEAR I heard the opening riff to a Madonna tune! I wriggled and reached and even poked my bottom lip out...I can't grasp yet...but I TOUCHED it and that touch.was.awesome! It was so worth the wait...my smile spread from the corners of my eyes to every inch of my face. My teacher says I'm close, I may even have it tomorrow...but I'm not thinking about tomorrow when there is so much to revel in today.

So the lesson
Don't rush
if it's worth doing
it's worth the wait
and it's sooo much better when you finally get there
asdfjkl;)

I do not like to be stuck

With Bandha, Drishti and Ujjayi your body becomes a temple when breathing and asana, tension and concentration come together into one unit. So with Ujjayi, Bandha and Drishti you create the foundation of your practice, and the spiritual dimension of Ashtanga Yoga develops. (source)


The spiritual dimension of Ashtanga has taught me that...
I don't like to feel stuck
:(

movement: V handshape to the throat

Funny, because the ASL sign for the concept "stuck" is also one of my least favorite signs...only because it means so much more than the English word "stuck" but people still say the word rather than the idea...but I digress.

We started our 3rd week of Ashtanga practice yesterday. We've been progessing swimmingly through the poses and have moved into the seated postures of the primary series. We left off with Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana on Friday of last week so we fully expected to be moving on when we returned.

Nope. Keep working on this one until you get it.
Grr, I don't want to, I want to learn the next one
I "get" this one, my hips just don't allow the fullest expression yet....
Hubs was even MORE aggravated about it.
He's looking forward to some of the quad stretches and grumbled about being stuck.

Admittedly, I did too. On my way to work I grumbled
After each grumble, I reminded myself to let my ego just step aside because this is a practice.
It worked, by the time I made it to work I was appreciative and looking forward to the extra time it will take to truly experience the benefits of this pose. I mean, I've been practicing downward facing dog for 11 years and the nuances I've found in the past 3 weeks have made a huge difference in my practice.

photo credit



Monday was a grumbly day for my mini me too.

And I, as a mom, was stuck.
My hands were tied.
There was nothing I could do.
I was caught between a scylla and charybdis.
Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana
(HA, next time I see that sign I'm gonna voice THAT!)


This morning we worked through our practice and stopped at the last pose we learned, the one I affectionately call stuck. It was a great practice, I felt strong, worked up a good sweat and waited for today's teacher to tell us what to do next.
"On Tuesdays, we take it easy. Once you've moved through the standing poses and get to the seated postures of the primary series, we don't teach anything new on Tuesdays. Krista (my fave yoga teacher of all time and the owner of the shala) doesn't teach new postures on Tuesdays, neither does her teacher...so this is an opportunity for you to work where you are..."

So we did, I went back through my seated postures because I had forgotten one the first time.
I did my back bends and closing postures...and had an AHmazing Savasana.
Hubs even said so...we joked about being grumbly yesterday and today being just fine.
We did not move further into the series...but we did progress!

It really wasn't any different than yesterday
but it was
I'm still in the same place
but I'm not stuck

My mini me got up this morning, dressed herself up in a snazzy outfit and faced the day...with whatever it may bring. She knows it's okay to be sad...but I don't think she'll let herself be stuck.

Fundamentals First

Today is day 3 of Ashtanga for the hub and I.

We've learned our poses through the fundamental asanas (standing series).

http://www.yogasandals.com/

Whoo whee...I could feel my feet towards the end of our session! Definitely time to invest in a new pair of my favorite sandals.

So my memorization trick for the day to get me through what I know so far

A

B

2

2

2

floor

hips

shoulders

toes

BANGLES

That could be a nursery rhyme for baby yogis :)

Suryanamaskar A
Suryanamaskar B
2 forward folds
2 triangles
2 side angles
Wide Stanced Forward Bend:
hands to the floor, hands on hips, hands clasped shoulder stretch, big toe peace fingers :)
Pyramid (which make me think of 'walk like an egyptian')

When I practice, I am strong

Practice, Practice, Practice
All is coming ~K. Pattabhi Jois

Day 2 of our Ashtanga journey

Today we moved into the first few standing postures of the series after going through Surya Namasakar A and B 5 times each on our own. Just flowing through the salutations that many times, conscious of my drishti and my breath, was work. Half way through I realized while I have come to the understanding of engaging mula bandha...I'm not always sure about when to disengage. :/

I did find some new found freedom in my downward facing dog simply by remembering my drishti. My head knew I should be looking at my navel but I don't always remember that!

We worked through triangle, revolved triangle, side angle and revolved side angle... we worked through them a lot.
I felt invigorated, I felt strong, I felt focused...

That focused feeling lasted ALL day.
I worked a 9 hour shift at work and managed to do so with energy and a positive attitude all day long. I don't care who you are...9 hours is a LONG day stuck in a cubicle...today was a good day :)

My finishing sequence this morning included wheel ...the braid worked :) Utplutih
I've always had trouble with Utplutih,  but I'll get there with practice, practice practice.

AHHH Ashtanga

Typically February has me taking a peek to see what new challenge Christine has for us. In addition to that, this month the hub and I have signed up for a month-long beginner's course in Ashtanga yoga at the Yoga Shala. I have practiced Ashtanga before and have the great fortune of having studied under some amazing teachers so when I noticed one of my favorite mentors and teachers actually owns the studio, we were there!

Today, day 1
6:30am at the Shala
Yoga Shala teaches traditional Ashtanga in the Mysore method and it was absoluely awesome walking into the studio where other yogis were moving through their individual practice flowing with inhale and exhale. Mysore encourages each person to go at his or her own pace, you learn the poses one at a time, as your teacher deems you ready. You progress at your own pace and develop a personal practice.
So Awesome.

We were up at 5:10am (admittedly, I was up before the alarm...excited to go!)
This morning's lesson took us through Surya Namaskar A and B series, bridge, wheel...my pony-tail got in the way :(

Tomorrow we add some call and return, standing poses ...and I wear my hair in a braid!
:)